I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
