I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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