Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
