Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
