All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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