just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
