please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
