There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
