Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
