no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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