It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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