so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
