My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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