Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I fill condoms, not promises.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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