Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
