I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
