My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
