in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
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I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
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The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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