Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
