just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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