i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize