you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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