I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
A bitchslap is in order.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
