and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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