i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
