So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
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