Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
