Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
