i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
