What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
