just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
