your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
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