It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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