I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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