my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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