You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
