They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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