I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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