I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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