we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
