just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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