my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
