I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
