why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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