you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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