i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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