I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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