Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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