It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
