god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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