in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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