Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
