My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
