i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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