so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
