I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
